so THIS is why he tried to shake Harry’s hand!
i honestly wish there was just a crack version of all the hp movies and this was the basis of the first plot
there is one, it’s called rifftrax. They basically spend all 8 movies mocking them completely
Tag: harry james potter
– D E M E N T O R S –
Harry’s eyes rolled up into his head. He couldn’t see. He was drowning in cold. There was a rushing in his ears as though of water. He was being dragged downward, the roaring growing louder …

HI!
here is my submission for the character design challenge of this month :Â
Harry Potter

Canon things the Dursleys did to Harry.
whenthemarshmallowmettheslayer:
1.) Made him sleep in a spider infested cupboard under their stairs when Dudley had a toy room and they had a guest room.
2.) Only gave Harry hand me downs when they could afford to buy Dudley a tv to put in the kitchen as a homecoming gift.
3.) Mrs.Figgs didn’t allow Harry to have fun when babysitting him in fear of the Dursleys finding out and never allowing her to babysit Harry again.
4.) Vernon chocked Harry in OotP because he thought Harry had used magic.
5.) Made Harry go on diet so Dudley didn’t feel bad. Harry who is often described as skinny. Harry who ended up asking his friends to give him food.
6.) Petunia tried to hit Harry with a frying pan which thankfully Harry dodged. If a person hits a child or even a dog with a frying pan they are arrested.
7.) Never hugged Harry.
8.) Allowed Harry to cook sometime before Harry was eleven years old. This one isn’t that big but I’m mentioning for the fact bacon grease popping onto your skin really freaking hurts.
8.) What age do you believe they shoved a kid in a cupboard? Yes I’m brining this point up again. They had TWO spare rooms.
9.) An actually quote from the books: “long experience had taught him to remain out of arm’s reach of his uncle whenever possible.”
10.) Were perfectly fine with Dudley bullying Harry. Hell they probably encouraged such behavior.
11.) Vernon thought he could beat the magic out of Harry and thought that was a perfectly fine mentality.
12.) Harry tells Hermione (I’m pretty sure it’s Hermione) at the end of either the first book or the second that the Dursleys would only be disappointed that he didn’t die.
13.) The Dursleys canonical didn’t like Harry before meeting their nephew and knowing if Harry had magic. They didn’t want Dudley sorting with that lot. The whole Harry being a horcrux and that’s why the Dursleys were horrible theory is victim blaming.
14.) Despite Sirius having almost murdered a man infront of Harry & his friends and the fact Harry had thought him a criminal who betrayed his parents to Voldemort a few hours before Harry excitedly agrees to live with Sirius.
15.) Harry doesn’t enjoy the summer because it meant living with the Dursleys.
16.) Okay with dumping Harry at the train station by himself when they thought Harry had been lied to. Harry had no way of getting back home or money for a single meal.
17.) Wanted to leave Harry in the car while they spent a day celebrating Dudley’s birthday at the zoo.
18.) Were completely fine with Aunt Marge’s smack talk of two dead people (dead people who were Harry’s parents and Petunia’s sister ) that made Harry so upset he turned her into a human balloon accidentally.
19.) Harry, purposely not admitting Sirius wasn’t a murderer (and people say Harry doesn’t have Slytherin traits), had to use his on the run godfather as blackmail to get the Dursleys to treat him nice.
20.) Despite having read all the books multiple times I cannot recall a single time Harry called his relatives’ house home.
21.) They only gave Harry Dudley’s spare room for broken toys when they thought they were being spied on by wizards.
22.) Harry was punished for accidental magic when Petunia knew, from Lily being her own sister, wizards and witches can not control accidentally magic.
23.) Allowed everyone to think Harry went to school for criminal boys instead of saying an old school Harry’s parents use to attend.
Feel free to add on.
24.) Forbid Harry, as a young child, from asking questions. (Asking questions is extremely developmentally important for young children.)
25.) In particular, forbid Harry from asking questions about his dead parents.
26.) Blamed Harry for the way they treated him by impugning his mental health. “Just our nephew… very disturbed…”
27.) Avoided addressing Harry unless they were giving him orders. Avoided using his name. (Called him “the boy,” etc.)
28.) Can we look at 27 again, and how that’s going to play into Harry’s sense that he has value only in as much as he had utility? Given that Dumbledore did pretty much the exact same thing?
29.) Locked up Harry’s school supplies so he couldn’t do summer homework.
30. The Dursleys lied to Harry about how his parents died. They lied to him for years. They called James a good for nothing layabout. (Probably a wise idea they didn’t know that James was well-off.)
31) Petunia projected her resentment, jealousy and anger at her sister, Lily because Lily was a wizard and she wasn’t, onto Harry because he served as another reminder of what she couldn’t have. She also gaslighted Harry into thinking he was imagining things or making them up when he was showing signs of magic when she grew up with a magical sister and further kept him from his wizarding heritage. Knowing he was a wizard and showing obvious signs of magic, she not only added to the abuse but allowed her husband to continue abusing Harry because of her unresolved feelings towards her sister. These same feelings she revealed again when she finally admitted how her sister died (“got herself blown up”).
What if Harry Potter, the chosen one, had turned out to be a squib, how do you think history would have turned out differently?
It was Mrs. Figg who suspected first.
She noticed many things, sitting on her side of her fence with her cats chasing butterflies and nuzzling her ankles, Mundungus and the other watchers dropping by for tea now and then.
Mrs. Figg noticed that Petunia was a nosy bit of work with insecurities hanging from her every harsh angle. She noticed when Dudley learned the word MINE– the whole neighborhood noticed that one. She noticed that Vernon glared at owls.
She noticed that when Petunia gave Harry a truly horrendous haircut one year, it grew back in at a normal rate. Harry was uneven and weird-looking for ages, hiding under beanies when he could.
When Mrs. Figg had Harry over for carefully miserable afternoons of babysitting, she noticed nothing moved that shouldn’t. He didn’t accidentally make flowers out of fallen leaves, or levitate anything during tantrums, or turn toys funny colors.
Mrs. Figg called up her mother, interrupting the wizarding bridge game she was winning against the nursing home staff, and asked her how she had known, decades back, that her youngest daughter was a squib.
When Albus Dumbledore received Mrs. Figg’s letter he wrote back a polite thank you and then went to talk with Minerva McGonagall, who inhaled sharply in horror when he told her the news.
Finally, McGonagall gave a gathered sigh. “I suppose we can ask one of the wizarding families to homeschool him,” she said. “We can’t have the Boy Who Lived not knowing about his own world.” Â
“No, he’ll come to Hogwarts,” said Dumbledore.
“Hogwarts is not a place for–” Her voice fell. “–squibs, Albus.”
Dumbledore shook his head. “Harry must be taught.”
“Be taught what, Albus?”
But Dumbledore just sighed and offered her a lemon drop.
Years later, the owls and the letters came to 4 Privet Drive. The Dursleys ran, dragging Harry with them, and the letters and one stubborn gamekeeper followed– none of this would change with a magicless Harry.
When Hagrid asked Harry in that little cabin on that little rock in the middle of the sea if weird things always happened around him, Harry couldn’t tell him about vanishing glass and setting captive snakes free, about ending up somehow on the school roof, or growing his hair out overnight. Â
“Strange things always happen around you, don’ they?”
“Um,” said Harry, racking his brain. “Well… I live in a cupboard under the stairs…”
Harry could tell him about how snakes sometimes talked back, because that had never been Harry’s magic, but when he did Hagrid just blanched and changed the subject.
Hagrid held out hope, even against Dumbledore’s quiet warning explanations, until they made it to Ollivander’s Wands. Harry marveled at Diagon Alley, got his hands shaken in the Leaky, pressed his nose up against shop windows. Hagrid watched the scant boy– looked at James’s messy hair, Lily’s eyes, Harry’s own wandering gaze– and he wondered how this boy could be anything but magical.
In the wand shop, Ollivander said, “James Potter, yes… mahogany, eleven inches. Pliable. A powerful wand for Transfiguration.” He said, “And your mother, Lily…  strong in Charms work, ten and… yes, ten and a quarter, willow, swishy.”
Harry picked up stick after wooden stick. They remained just that– wood with bits of feather or scale or hair. Harry wondered if the creatures who gave these offerings were still alive– if they were given or taken. What did it do to your wand when they died? He waved a maplewood wand (unicorn hair, eleven inches) and a gust from the door opening blew some receipts off the counter.
“Well, said Ollivander. “I think that’s as close as we’re likely to get.”
He sent them out with the maplewood. Hagrid bought Harry a snowy owl and a fudge sundae and tried not make it too obvious that these were condolence gifts. The next day the Prophet’s headlines read: The Boy Who Lived– A Squib? Various magical medical experts weighed in on how it might have happened. Fingers were pointed at childhood trauma, at his upbringing, at his family lineage.
Harry still met Ron on the train– Ron was still smudge-nosed and Harry still bought enough candy to share. When Molly had helped him through the platform entrance, her voice had been a little softer, a little more pitying– but it was still better than the laughter that had been in his aunt and uncle’s voices when they dropped him here to find a platform they didn’t think existed.
Hermione Granger dropped by their compartment, looking for Neville’s toad, but got distracted when she spotted Harry. “I’ve read about you! In my books, and in the paper,” she said. “You’re the Boy Who Lived, and you’re a squib.”
Harry sank down in his seat. Ron hid Scabbers under a candy wrapper.
“Squibs have never been allowed in Hogwarts,” Hermione announced. “According to Hogwarts, A History, squibs try to sneak in now and then– the furthest anyone’s ever gotten is to the Sorting Hat before they got found out.” At eleven, Hermione still believed in expulsion being worse than death. Her voice was thrumming with sympathetic horror.
“But they already found out about me,” Harry said, alarmed.
“It’s alright, mate,” said Ron. “You’re Harry Potter. Oy, Granger,” he added. “What’s this Hat? Fred and George were trying to sell me some story about having to fight a mountain troll to get your House…”
Harry sat back and watched the countryside rush by. Yes, he was Harry Potter– his aunt’s useless sister’s useless child, the boy in the lumpy hand-me-down sweaters who named the spiders who lived in his cupboard. And here, in new world, he was apparently useless too.
When they got to Hogwarts, Harry clenched his fists and stood in line with the other first years. He barely twitched at the ghosts or Peeves, just stared ahead and thought about how far he would get before they turned him around and sent him back to Vernon and Petunia.
They opened the Great Hall doors. They called the first years one by one. Harry clenched his teeth and walked up to the Hat when they called his name.
As he turned to sit down on the stool, he really caught sight of the Hall for the first time– the hovering candles, the big wooden tables, the black robes that swallowed the light. Translucent ghosts gossiped with the students beside them. The paintings on the far walls– were they moving?
Harry’s jaw had unclenched, falling open. His fists curled open, curving around the stool’s seat as he leaned forward to stare. If this was it, if this was as far as he’d get in this world, then he wanted to drink it all in. The candles were floating, in mid-air.
The Hat dropped down over his eyes and blocked out the light.
Well, said the dry voice that had been hollering House placements all night. What do we have here?
Ron had been begging for not-Slytherin. Draco from the robes shop had been scornful of Hufflepuff, desperate in his disdain. Neville had begged for Hufflepuff, sure he was not brave enough for Gryffindor.
Please, thought Harry. Don’t send me back.
One shivering second of silence, the shock of the moment suspended:
and then the tumult broke around Harry as the screams
and the cheers and the roars of the watchers rent the air.Â

















