You with the cane and arthritic hands, who has to ask for non-childlock caps on their medications lest they are unable to open them. Who has banged too many jars against counter tops trying to pop the seal to count. Who uses scissors to open everything possible, and rubs their knees when it rains. I see you.
You who has to wear diapers at night to keep their sheets dry, or during the day for incontinence. You who knows the best brands, which show through clothing the least, what stores have the best deals. I see you.
You with the cannula, wheeling your oxygen around, sitting on benches and leaning against walls, trying to catch your breath. I see you.
You with the catheter, who knows exactly how large your bladder is and how much you can drink, and has cathed themselves too many times to count.
You with the ostomy pouch, who knows just how to hide it but might be shy to wear a bathing suit. Who has become a pro at cleaning their skin and stoma. Who knows exactly what sorts of foods your body has trouble digesting. I see you.
You with the discolored or missing teeth, who is afraid to smile big. Who is terrified of judging by dentists, or expensive bills. Who winces when they see their mouth in photos, or has been ridiculed to have their mouth. I see you.
If you have memory problems, if you have rashes, if you have too many pills to count up without paper, if your hands shake, if your knees are weak, if youâve been told youâre âToo youngâ to live with your illness or symptoms: I see you.
You are not too young. You are not gross. I see you, and you are valid.Â
âOh yeah, every time that dad forgets mom is dead, we head to the cemetery so he can see her gravestone.â
WHAT. I canât tell you how many times Iâve heard some version of this awful story. Stop taking people with dementia to the cemetery. Seriously. I cringe every single time someone tells me about their âplanâ to remind a loved one that their loved one is dead.
I also hear this a lot:Â âI keep reminding mom that her sister is dead, and sometimes she recalls it once Iâve said it.â Thatâs still not a good thing. Why are we trying to force people to remember that their loved ones have passed away?
If your loved one with dementia has lost track of their timeline, and forgotten that a loved one is dead, donât remind them. Whatâs the point of reintroducing that kind of pain? Hereâs the thing: they will forget again, and they will ask again. Youâre never, ever, ever, going to âconvinceâ them of something permanently.Â
Instead, do this:
âDad, where do you think mom is?â
When he tells you the answer, repeat that answer to him and assert that it sounds correct. For example, if he says, âI think mom is at work,â say, âYes, that sounds right, I think she must be at work.â If he says, âI think she passed away,â say, âYes, she passed away.âÂ
People like the answer that they gave you. Also, it takes you off the hook to âcome up with somethingâ that satisfies them. Then, twenty minutes later, when they ask where mom is, repeat what they originally told you.
I support this sentiment. Repeatedly reminding someone with faulty memory that a loved one has died isnât a kindness, itâs a cruelty. They have to relieve the loss every time, even if they donât remember the grief 15 minutes later.
In other words, donât try to impose your timeline on them in order to make yourself feel better. Correcting an afflicted dementia patient will not cure them. They wonât magically return to your âreal worldâ. No matter how much you might want them to.
Itâs a kindness of old age, forgetting. Life can be very painful. Donât be the one ripping off the bandage every single time.
I used to work as a companion in a nursing home where one of the patients was CONVINCED I was her sister, whoâd died 40 years earlier. And every time one of the nurses said âthatâs not Janet, Janet is dead, Alice, remember?â Alice would start sobbing.
So finally one day Alice did the whole âJANET IS HEREâ and this nurse rather nastily went âJanet is deadâ and before it could go any further I said âexcuse me??? How dare you say something so horrible to my sister?â
The nurse was pissed, because I was âfeeding Aliceâs delusions.â Alice didnât have delusions. Alice had Alzheimerâs.
But I made sure it went into Aliceâs chart that she responded positively to being allowed to believe I was Janet. And from that point forward, only my specific patient referred to me as âNinaâ in front of Aliceâeveryone else called me Janet, and when Alice said my name wasnât Nina I just said âoh, itâs a nickname, thatâs all.â It kept her calm and happy and not sobbing every time she saw me.
It costs zero dollars (and maybe a little bit of fast thinking) to not be an asshole to someone with Alzheimerâs or dementia. Be kind.
I wish I had heard this stuff when Grandma was still here.
I read once that you have to treat dementia patients more like itâs improv, like you have to take what they say and say to yourself âok, andâ and give them more of a story to occupy them and not just shut it down with something super harsh.
A nurse I used to work with always told us: âIf a man with dementia is trying to get out of bed to go to work, donât tell him heâs 90 and in a nursing home. Tell him itâs Sunday and he can stay in bed. If a woman with dementia is trying to stand because she wants to get her husbandâs dinner out of the oven, donât tell her heâs been dead for 20 years. Tell her youâll do it for her and she can sit back down.â
Always remembered that, always did it. Nothing worse than hearing someone with memory loss ask the same question over and over again only to be met with: âWe already told you!â
Just tell them again.
Iâve worked with elderly dementia patients, and I agree with all the above. Treat them as youâd like to be treated in the same situation.
Same. Iâve worked with patients like these and even my grandma was convinced for a day that I was my aunt. Just roll with it.
Iâm dealing with this right now, with my mother. And itâs a hard pill to swallow, her asking for relatives she hates because theyâve been horrible to her (both of my uncles who havenât talked to us in years), relatives who âtell her to do thingsâ that have been gone since before I was born, her asking for my grandmother who died when I was only two who I have no recollection of.
The only time we directly correct her is when she asks where I am, while looking at me and doesnât recognize me. And we only do that because she goes into a worse panic if Iâm not there, than if sheâs corrected in that I am who I say I am.
I understand why itâs not a good idea to correct a dementia patient, but speaking from the other side of the fence? It hurts.
It hurts when she asks my husband where I am, when Iâm sitting plainly in her field of view, just a few feet away from her. It hurts when I have to talk about my father, or my grandfather, or our friends who have passed away. It hurts to see someone who was my superhero as I was growing up, turn into a shade of themselves.
But even if it hurts, do it. Swallow that pain down, and do it as much as you can, as long as you can. Because in the end, you do it out of kindness. And if you canât, find some help from someone who can.
A significant other, a friend, a nurse, someone who will help, or a therapist who will give you a mental health break from having to relive painful memories again and again. Itâs easier for a nurse to play along than it is a family member who has to, again and again, pretend that the family member that they loved (or worse, hated), is alive and well and has just skipped out for dinner.
For some it brings up painful memories, and for others it might even be a panic attack trigger. So if you canât solely support your family member with dementia, try and find someone who can help. Because itâs very important to keep them comfortable, but also important to keep yourself square and mentally sound during the process.
I remember when I worked at McDonaldâs. They knew I was autistic and indirectly mocked me for it. Whenever I was doing a task, one of the staff would intentionally baby-talk to me asking if I was supposed to be doing what I was doing. If I was slower doing a task, theyâd mockingly say, âLetâs see if you can beat your record this timeâ, and I was yelled at because I was experiencing a shutdown
Now Iâm working at a local pub. When I told them Iâm autistic, they were super supportive. The boss told me I could come talk to her if I ever needed it, they apologised in advance if they ever had to yell loudly in the kitchen in case it startled me, theyâve been super helpful when I didnât understand and have helped me when I was struggling with work
Treat disabled employees with respect. Just because weâre not neurotypical doesnât mean we donât understand whatâs going on
And this is why Iâd never make it in a ânormalâ job. I have too many triggers that would send me into a shutdown.
Yup and it sucks because society expects you to get an education and work, but it can be really difficult. Not to mention that a person NEEDS money in order to survive, but if you can’t work, well you’re screwed.
Sure, you can get some money from disability and other stuff, but sometimes that’s not enough and if you ever tried to push your physical and mental health by working, you can make your health worse, plus any help your receiving is usually automatically dropped. So, money is forever a problem and it’s become impossible to survive, let alone live in an ableist world that’s run on capitalism.
Sure, there are days when you might be okay going out without too much of a problem. But thebln, there are days when it’s too much. So, how do we go out and do ‘normal’ things when we just don’t know how our minds and body will react. It’s that same paralyzing fear that makes things impossible and makes things worse, if your body does give out like you feared would happen.
And let’s not forget the emotional pain of feeling like a conplete burden, usually to your loved ones. Because you see them work so hard and they’re usually the ones taking care of you to boot. It’s worse, if some of them just say, ‘Oh, you never do anything. Do something!’.
God, knows how, we, who are disabled, chronically, and mentally ill, wish we could ‘do something’. Anything would be better than being trapped at home all day, unable to do nothing. Feeling depressed and worthless. We wish we could also just ‘get over it’, but how can we when science and research has proven time and time again it is something literally imbalanced with our brains. No matter how mad you get, no matter how frusterated or disappointed, just remember if it’s ‘hard’ for you; imagine what it feels like for us who actually have to deal with being chronically/mentall ill/disabled.
Not to be like âwe live in a societyâ but I think a lot of peopleâs mental health would be significantly less fucked if they didnât have to function in a system that forces them to think about their value as a human being as based on how productive they are/how much money people can make off them
Being raised without stability really fucks with your head, youâre forever trying to figure out a personâs âpatternâ to see how you have to approach them, whether theyâre in a good mood and itâs safe, or if theyâre in a bad mood and you have to be careful or maybe avoid them altogether, just because those who raised you could never keep a consistent emotional reaction
If you have experienced a trauma, you may experience traumatic symptoms. Grounding exercises can be so helpful in getting you back into your window of tolerance! When youâre out of your window you may experience flashbacks, panic attacks, dissociation, a numbness, foggy brain etcâŠ
So here are a list of techniques! Please practice! If you can practice them whilst you are feeling ok and are in your window you are much more likely able to use them when you experience a trigger! Itâs about trial and error with lots of practice! Wishing you lots of healing hugs and positive thoughts. Stephanie xx
Mental GroundingâŠ.
– Pick a category and try to think of as many objects as possible that fit in that category. (Eg. Types of dogs, cities, crayon colours, sports.)
– Pick a letter & think of all the words that begin with that letter
– Pick a colour & look for things of that colour in the room
– Say or think the alphabet backwards or alternate letters & numbers (A1 B2 C3 D4.)
– Describe an everyday event or process in great detail, listing all of the steps in order & as thoroughly as possible (e.g. How to cook a meal, how to get from your home to work or school, how to do your favourite dance.)
Reorientation Grounding TechniquesâŠ
– Say or think to yourself⊠âMy name isâŠ. I am safe right now. I am âŠ. years old. I am currently at âŠ. The date isâŠ. If I need help, I am with âŠ./ can callâŠ.. Everything is going to be alrightâ
– List reaffirming statements. (I am fine. Everything is going to be okay. I am strong. I can handle this.)
– Ask yourself⊠Ask yourself where you are, what day of the week it is, what day of the month it is, what month it is, what year it is, what season it is, how old you are, who is the current political leader of your country.)
– Name 5 things you see, 4 things you feel, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell or taste & 1 thing you like about yourself.
– Think about a fun time you had with someone recently or call them and ask them to talk about it with you.
Sensory Grounding TechniquesâŠ
– Run cool or warm (not too cold or hot!) water over your hands or take a cool or warm bath/shower.
– Spritz your face (with eyes closed), neck, arms & hands with a fine water mist.
– Spray yourself with your favourite perfume (One that is not linked in any way to trauma experienced or reminds you of a traumatic experience or person) and focus on the scent.
– Feel the weight of your body in your chair or on the floor and the weight of your clothing on your skin.
– Touch & hold objects around you. Compare the feel, weight, temperature, textures, colours & materials.
– Keep a small object with you to touch or play with when you get triggered.
– Bite into a lemon, orange or lime & notice the flavour, scent & texture or suck on a sour or minty candy or ice cube.
– Listen to soothing or familiar music. If possible jump around and dance to it.
– Pick up a book and read the first paragraph out loud.
– Hug a tree or another person (If interpersonal touch isnât a trigger). Pay attention to your own pressure and physical sensations of doing so. Register the smells of being outside, the wind & the sights around you.
Movement Grounding TechniquesâŠ
– Breath deeply & slowly & count your breaths
– Grab tightly onto your chair or press your feet against the ground as firmly as you can
– Rub your palms and clap your hands or wiggle your toes within your socks. Pay attention to physical sensations of doing so
– Stretch out your arms or legs, roll your head on your neck, or clench and unclench your fists.
– Stomp your feet, walk around, run, jump, ride a bike, do jumping jacks
– While walking, notice each footstep & sat to yourself ârightâ and âleftâ to correspond with the foot currently moving
– Squeeze a pillow, stuffed animal or ball
– If you have a soft pet (dog or cat) brush its fur and stroke it. If you donât, brush your own hair slowly and without pulling it too much
– Write what ever comes to mind even if itâs nonsense. Try not to write about the negative thoughts or feelings until you are more capable of doing so without increasing a them
– Pop bubble wrap or blow and pop actual bubbles
– Dog in the dirt or garden, jump on a pile of leaves or splash around in puddles or mud
– Rip up paper or stomp on aluminium cans to crush them
In case of a flashbackâŠ
– Tell yourself that you are having a flashback and are safe now
– Remind yourself that the worst is over and you survived it. What you are feeling now is just a reminder of the trauma and does not fit the present moment
– Breath deeply and slowly. Count your breaths and make sure that youâre getting enough air
– Use the other Grounding Techniques above to distract and calm yourself
– If possible or necessary, go somewhere where you can be alone or with a close friend, where you will feel safe, or where you feel protected or shielded
– Be gentle to yourself and take the time to really recover. If what helps you to recover is to colour, take a bubble bath, hug a stuffed animal or watch a childrenâs movie and if it would not be disruptive to do such things at that point in time, embrace those options whole heartedly
– If possible note or write down what triggered the flashback, what Techniques you tried to use to disrupt the flashback & what helped
– Remember you are a survivor. You are strong, you can make it through this, though it might take some time. Be patient with yourself throughout the process of healing.
Signal boost for GamePhobias, a wiki-style website dedicated to categorizing games based on content and trigger warnings. Users can either view content warning categories to find games that do and donât contain the triggering content, or search for specific games to see exactly what content warnings are attached to that title (as well as brief, almost exclusively non-graphic descriptions as to specific scenes/levels containing that content).
Itâs a very, very new wiki (IIRC it launched late August) and so its offerings are very paltry right now, and I would seriously encourage anyone with experience with games, wikis, and/or both to contribute however they can.
Iâm writing up a review for FFXIV right now, and I seriously encourage anyone who can do this to help out!! This is SUPER helpful to people with triggers and Iâm going to use it in the future.
Donât ignore this, I know gamer culture doesnât care about mentally ill people but you guys should try to be better than that.
Ok so, spoiler alert: Iâm a mess right now. My PTSD sucks, triggers are everywhere, I have panic attacks checking my email, Iâm ridiculously depressed, I no longer know how to talk to people without running to hide in the bathroom every ten minutes.
Basically, if I could, I would stay in my bed all day every day.
But as compelled as I am to do just that every day, I also know that my life is a lot more bearable when I take care of myself. Part of that is sitting in bed when I need to, but part of it is also feeling like I have some sort of a schedule. Doing productive things. And part of it is experiencing things like AIR and SUNLIGHT and SOCIETY.
But at the same time, I find that I really donât want to do the same things that most people my age do. Anything that costs money is almost always off the table, since Iâm not currently cleared to work. I hate parties at the moment. I canât drink because with the number of narcotics and stabilizers and antidepressants Iâm currently on, Iâd be dead in minutes. Movie theaters are too dark and they freak me out. Concerts are too crowded. Basically there are too many people or triggers anywhere a normal twenty year old would ever want to go.
So this is my list of PTSDay Trips. These are all the nice calm relaxing places I go when I know I need to take myself outside and I want to have an actual good time doing it. If you have anxiety or depression or anything else that makes the good times funky, then maybe try some out if they sound good yeah? đÂ
Free:
Go to Petco and just park yourself in front of a fish tank or some ferrets and watch the little guys do their thing. Itâs like the zoo but cheap and adorable and if you make a Disney face theyâll almost always let you hold some of them (not the fish obviously) (donât hold the fish)
Similarly, volunteer to walk dogs or something at an animal shelter because dogs are just fucking easier to interact with and you can be altruistic without having to deal with/talk to/make eye contact with humans
As far as humans go, sometimes the smaller ones are ok. So if smallish humans happen to be your thing, volunteering at a preschool or a daycare center can be nice. The tiny humans are super easy to explain things to and havenât learned awkward social conventions yet so you can just sit down next to them and beat some play doh to death or paint a ridiculous picture and ask for their opinions on it or just listen to them talk about dinosaurs, because that is literally the most relaxing thing ever
Go to the library and huddle up in a corner somewhere with no one around. People literally canât talk above a whisper in a library and itâs the social etiquette not to bother you or ask questions. If youâre like me and have weird depression days where you feel juvenile and canât focus enough to read adult books, go chill out in the childrenâs section. Read choose your own adventure books as a safe and non stressful way of ACTUALLY HAVING ADVENTURES. Reread the entire young adult section and cry over some John Green. Reread Series of Unfortunate Events or Goosebumps or Boxcar Children or whatever the hell else you read when you were younger. Reread Harry Potter for the billionth time. The great thing about childrenâs books is theyâre overwhelmingly more trigger free than other books.
Go to one of those shops where they literally train their employees to be relaxing and you can get free samples. Teavana and Godiva are two of my favorites. Especially Teavana. I just go in and try all the tea and listen to them talk about it. If like me, youâre worried about the weirdly overwhelming guilt you get when they try to sell you something, you can walk in and either say âIâm just in to buy a cup of tea but Iâm not sure what to getâ if you want to spend the money, or âI donât have anything on me at the moment but Iâm looking for a tea suggestion so I can tell my mum what I want for my birthdayâ or whatever. Or maybe thatâs just me and youâre all currently judging me. Either way, itâs a nice time.
Do that same thing but at Yankee Candle, and just fucking smell all the candles until you find the best one. Then tell me what it is and Iâll tell you if youâre right, because there are in fact right answers đ
Go to the beach when itâs raining or at a weird time of day (like for sunrises or nights) or just find a beach that isnât very crowded. Stretch out and read a book in the sun or run around in the waves like a little kid (my personal favorite). Bring takeout or grab a bunch of yummy-looking stuff from a grocery store for a spontaneous picnic. Smell all the good smelling stuff and listen to the waves and squish the sand around.
$5-$10:
Pretend to be a lemonade critic. Drive or ride around the neighborhood on really hot days and visit all the kids lemonade stands, and then find the best one and spend a couple bucks buying like six glasses of lemonade and watch as their day is totally made
Go to Supercuts or some random cheap hair place and have them just wash your hair. You can even explain to them in advance if you make an appointment that you have anxiety (or if youâre feeling particularly stigmatized that day, recently removed tonsils) and canât really talk much. At supercuts itâs only a couple bucks for a Tea Tree Experience (when they wash it with that amazing smelling de stressing tea tree shampoo) and you basically get a free scalp massage and it feels amazing and relaxing. My friends get them for me all the time for my birthday and it makes my day every time đÂ
Go to starbucks and get some Tazo and sit in a corner playing hipster bingo. For the free space I either use thick rimmed glasses, ethically made shoes, or use of the word hegemony đ
Visit a butterfly pavilion. They have loads of free days and even without them the tickets only cost around five bucks. And I defy you to think of anything more relaxing than a motherfucking butterfly pavilion
Go to a nice quiet restaurant, the kind with just the right lighting and outdoor seating options and loads of tea on the menu and tiny desserts. If you live anywhere even remotely near Providence, go the the Duck and Bunny right this moment because it is the coziest, most lovely and relaxing place you could possibly eat. They literally call it a snuggery.
If youâre feeling nostalgic, loot around for old tokens or quarters and go to Chuckee Cheese for lunch on a Tuesday or some other time when it isnât crowded. Individual pizzaâs only 6 bucks, they have gluten free ones now too. Process and reduce some anxiety with a zombie shooter
Squirrel away in a tiny cozy out-of-the-way old bookstore and smell all the books. Buy some if you like because they nearly always have dollar shelves.
$10-$20:
Go to the zoo when the weather is fucking terrible. Like serious storms and fucked up precipitation kind of terrible. I actually started doing this years ago with a bunch of my best friends when we went to the zoo for a day and it started hailing golf balls. Eating damp chicken fingers when it was dark and windy and stormy out with the zoo to ourselves watching snow leopards was more fun than I can possibly explain, and since then we always make it appoint to check the forecast for a really terrible day to go to the zoo. I donât know specifics for every zoo ever, but Roger Williams Park (where I go) is maybe 15 dollars for the day. Watching the animals is super relaxing and with no one else around, itâs really nice and calm and not stressful đ
     Donât go to the aquarium though that shit is fucking expensive
Get a cheap pedicure. Mind you Iâve never actually had one (Iâm terrified of people touching my feet), but according to people I know who regularly get them, theyâre super relaxing and tend to be better at the cheap hole-in-the-wall places then at the fancier and more expensive ones
Go to an art museum. Theyâre really nice and open and quiet and itâs really nice to just sit and look at beautiful things that donât make noise or try to touch you. I find that Iâm really in touch with my emotions in a peaceful and not urgent way if Iâm looking at art
If you happen to be rollin in it:
Go to the spa. Any spa. If you can afford it, go there. Get anything that sounds good. Itâs amazing. Youâre not expected to interact with anyone unless you feel like it. The water is weirdly delicious but youâre too relaxed to question whatâs in it. The lighting is all dim and relaxing and if you have a headache you just walk in and suddenly donât have it anymore. You will smell delicious. I got a citrus aromatherapy facial and massage thingy for my birthday when my mom found a billion year old gift card and I swear to you I have not been more relaxed since my diagnosis
Eat at the Melting Pot. Find one near you and eat at it. Itâs so overpriced that Iâve actually never managed to eat there of my own accord but it is the most incredible relaxing food and you get put in these comfy booths where no one can see you with relaxing lighting and tons of melted cheese to devour
Horseback riding. Best date I ever went on was horseback riding. That is all.Â
Stay feisty, my comradesÂ
xxx LibbiÂ
These are incredible tips! I know I want to go to my local barnes and nobles or little tea shop to sit and relax. As someone with anxiety and agoraphobia disorders, this is a really fun list to try and do.
đ„ There is beauty in destructionđ„ 